The Truth is Beautiful- Chapter 5

The Truth is Beautiful- Chapter 5

  I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was 21.  I have slowly had to move step by step out of that time of my life. Now, almost 12 years later I am finally tasting some of that freedom that comes with health.  Much of that time was spent waiting ,and enduring ,while I waited for my Medication to start to  Work and for it to start to heal me.  I also had to try out different medications to see what worked best on me.

Inside of Me

 I've sat inside myself for years ,but don't look down on me.  I did it for necessity.  When fear ,pain ,and distain ,plagued my mind I could only focus on the feelings- the words that beat within my heart, coursing through my veins and making me alive.  I didn't want to change , but the pain was too great to stay the same.  I have risen from the ashes speaking a new tongue ,one that can hold someone's hand and laugh at insecurities.  Tender now the wound that was eating me up inside has melted and changed my Winter like snow into Spring.

A Voice

Truer words were never uttered.
I love you.
To shock at first.
But then to grow strong.
Although, these hands are shaking,
They can move Mountains.
To stir the hearts to change for God.
Like kept in a cellar like fine wine.
Now there worth has doubled.
I looked in shame at what I was ,
And now in joy at what I was possible to become.
And I heard a voice tell me,
"You always were ,now you can be,"
Death doesn't have to be my Destiny.   



Music Taught Me How to Listen to Peace

One of the greatest discoveries about going through life is that I have learned to be silent, and I mean to have peace.  I remember as a child thinking that I was always in thought and couldn't be.  I tried ,but I was always thinking and distracted.  Listening to mostly good music, listening to The Spirit ,and saying prayers has taught me how important peace is and how to be reverent within myself.  Even though I have not chosen to sing as a career ,in my past, one of my voice teachers told me that I had a strong enough voice for long ago, and it will always play an active role in my life.  You hear stories of prodigies hearing music playing in their heads and they quickly write it down and construct masterpieces.  Sometimes, I hear classical music and choirs singing at times in my mind ,like a dream ,but I am awake.  I cannot read music ,so naturally I can't write anything, but the lyrics to music, but even if I am not as one of the great classical composers it serves it's purpose.  I know that God expects great things out of me.

Music is something that I found to be an important key that I have been able use in controlling my Mental illness.  I have been able to soften the blow of my attacks of voices and hallucinations by listening to music.  I also found it easier to go places that I found uncomfortable by listening to music on some kind of device.  In the past I felt close to God by being my own sort of DeeJay and expressing myself by changing my different CDs as a form of prayer.

God Heard those Prayers 

Because You saw in me a Pearl in a grain of Sand...

White as Wool,
Translucent as snow,
Soft as feathers,
Clear as Crystal,
Are the words that pry open my shell.
Remove the annoyance of sand that has become a treasure. 
Precious and of Worth.
But who else should I offer it?
I have not placed it.
I am not wholly it's maker.
Without your patience
I would be cast aside.
I offer you my talent-
A Pearl of Great Price,
Because you saw a pearl, in a grain of sand
In something as ordinary like Me.