My life has had it's dark times. My times of addiction and sickness have left Me untrusting of myself and most things. Most of the times when I trust I ,"Let things go." Turning the other cheek. There was a time ,though , I had to learn to have faith that I wasn't going to be totally destroyed and that God would have my Back as long as I tried my best.
One of my Doctors asked me to Write a Letter to My Eating Disorder because at times Patients do feel it is very much alive ,like a monster they are living with. Some people see it as a friend ,others an enemy. This is what I came up with....
Dear E.D.-
Once again I want to look in the mirror without seeing something inhuman. You made me a slave ,wasting my talents and emotions on your craft. Trust is what you have robbed me of. Once again I want to look in the mirror without seeing something inhuman. To have power to control my senses. Once again to intuitively be once more. Never mind the passing discomfort of today, because the greatest gift I have is my health. I have become limited and dependent. I will let you go now. I think that I can. Let go of your clenching grasp around my neck, because today I found that I was the one who held them there.
Sincerely,
Shayla
So, who really is my Eating Disorder? Well,one night God allowed me to see Him. I had a vision of what the Spirit ,"Death ", looks like. I'm not quite sure if He was actually the Spirit , "Death" , or just the representation of what he would look like if he were an actual being. His face was like looking into dark space and he had shiny black eyes. He was like a snake and never to be trusted.
The attitude and stare I see in this picture remind me of what I saw.
I captured Death pretty well in this picture.
(Here are my words I wrote to remember and heal from the experience.) I am not your friend Death. Even if I must Die Your Enemy.
Wasn't my idea to meet you Mr. Death.
You Black Hole.
Your pure black snake eyes.
The hollow energy,
Honestly, the best way to describe you is rape!
Leaving nothing there ,but a broken heart.
You burn my eyes.
You trample ,all good under you feet.
All ,every son or daughter that God has given to this Earth.
I must say I want to pity you, but then I think of those eyes,
And wonder why you would bother Me tonight?
If you wanted this letter, here you go.
If you wanted to see me naked ,you got it.
Maybe it isn't smart to fight with death,
But I am not your friend ,Death.
Even if I must die your Enemy.
Fortunately, I have never been one to drink alcohol, like ever, and I am so glad also because downers don't make me more intelligent and uppers as, "innocent", as caffeine make me manic to the point that I hurt. (I know because of the medication the Doctors have given to me.) My Dad has praised me on my quick mind , although school was always hard for me. My mind is a strange thing . One thing I hate at times , and at other times, give God the credit for, because I am so taken by how my actions and writing end up.
Honesty (What I got from every Emo Song I heard in the 00's.)
My mind is what is the matter
And although I see it all the time
The mistakes are marked in red.
And these little yellow pills are
What slows me down
But if you knew that pain of that fire ,
Of that unquenchable flame
That threatens and precedes me
I can never get along.
You can see why I
Never quite fit in with you
And never was able to let go.
And had to walk home alone
Looking the other way
As you raced on.
And that's all it took for your domination.
So, I'll pick another straw and
What did you end up with?
I had a pair, but someone stole the other half.
Now I'm stuck with only one drink
And only one way out.
I'll leave before the last drop drops to the floor.
I think I got the better Half.
People are often afraid of people with mental illness because they seem so different and can speak of religious miracles, like Seeing visions and hearing voices. Not everyone who has a vision ,or who has a hallucination, has a mental illness. So ,those who have should be more understanding to those who are mentally ill. I have Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features and I believe that I have had Both, visions and hallucinations at different times in my life. Sometimes ,it takes time and rest to see where and what a vision (or hallucination) is coming from and what/or if it has a message. Remember, the message was given to you , so you are the best judge on it's meaning, although sometimes it can be comforting to ask a Bishop or Religious Leader.
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