Price far Beyond Rubies
Thinking back to my Days in the Psych Units , for days or weeks at a time, Following emotional collapse from when I was 19-23 years old, I found some of the most gifted, talented ,interesting ,generous, funny, people in my life! Given , some of these people were a little scary, I learned to look past that or just to know to give them space. There with those people ,it is easy to grow bonds that you remember your whole life because many times these people as well as yourself are being so brave and starting to rebuild broken lives. We were all choosing to live, to start over ,when death was so close for many of us, because of how we were living before we went to the Hospital. I felt privileged to meet them mostly. I always seemed to find a boyfriend in there, funny , but don't worry the rules were tight! I appreciate those blessings. I am so happy though, that I can share a life with others free of the Hospital. I believe that I can be a better help to others this way.
I carry a special memory of these things in my heart with these people I've crossed lives with, but could not spend my life with. Heavenly Father knows of their worth and I have been given a gift to understand that and them! I wouldn't trade that for anything! Everything I had I gave for this, yet everything I have ,I have been blessed with was because of this! No one can take that from me or take back the lives I've influenced and learned from. I have learned about how to have compassion from others that suffer from going to group therapy and church and I have learned that others go through problems also. I was actually surprised that some people have to go through even worse situations. Being able to look at things now with a clear head and see things for how they are , with help after therapy, is a priceless gift and one of my greatest gifts I believe.
I believe sharing my life with Men ,especially those who were stable, was always dependent on how much of the eating Disorder I was willing to sacrifice for health. Leaving that part of my life behind started when I started preparing myself for the temple. The powerful blessings I received from going to the temple is a testimony to myself that it is a "Place of Healing". When I walked into the Los Angeles Temple to get my endowments I was anorexic and abused laxatives. The Lord excepted me in that state and brought men in my life who were compassionate considering the situation and lack of experience in healing from Eating Disorders. Things were really difficult in most aspects, honestly. The Most important thing is that we were in love and that we could be honest. We wanted to make better people of ourselves ,I was actually making progress, and love was still there.
(Here is a poem a wrote that is actually more of a script. In this situation there might be a Boy with a Friend who is Anorexic and The Boy is trying to help things.)
Depression and Cookies
I'm somehow divided between nothing or dying.
Somehow God is going to save me and this is a better day.
Feeling like it's over tomorrow.
So ,let's eat the whole box of cookies.
Tell me you are God and it will make things better.
I'll play along and we'll map out what we'll discover.
Secrets!
"You Too!........And ,I am !"
That seems better...........
You're my best advocate and You know that I'm trying .
To prove I'm ready for something
To give me more than ,"I'm trying!"
So I sit in a messy room and wonder,
How I can make things better,
And I know it's not by You ,
But by some unearthly power.
You know?
It hurts to create something you want to look at thats better
Then the place that you are .
Asking , "How about ,tomorrow?"
"So let's eat the whole box of cookies!"
There , there ,don't cry. They are only a few cookies something greater than the calories in those cookies has substance in you ,like Life.
Sometimes we must take life with a bit of Grace. Being a Son or Daughter of God means that we are tried and hated by others at times. When we are serving God we know the reason why though ,because God has favored us and Someone is using hate and frustration to get in your way to save their own fears of what they fear, don't understand, and many times wish that they had. They want to prove it to themselves that this " different thing or person " is weaker than what they are used to seeing everyday. There is nothing greater than God! The side in which you are on should make itself clear pretty quickly, unless you are suffering from an addiction. Everyone knows addictions ruin lives. We are to love the sinner and to hate the sin. Even when it's in yourself or in a family member.
(Here is a poem about loving one who is in pain ,even in an addiction , and another being kind no matter what the "World" thinks of them. )
Take Heaven Onward
Virtuous One.
Though heart soft,
You steadied yourself,
Won the battle today,
Listened longingly.
My anger is upon those,
Who mock you in my Face.
You promised to be hated ,
But I can't stand the hate.
Things will get so much better ,
And you will have the same.
With all that is held back and hidden,
I begin to shake.
For you my Dear Sweet Brother ,
For you are who He Saved
As we take Heaven Onward ,
They divert their Gaze!
Matthew5: 43-48
43. Ye have heard that it hath been said ,Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.
44. But I say unto you ,Love your enemies ,bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you , and pray for them which despitefully use you ,and persecute you;
45.That ye may be the children of your Father Which is in Heaven: for He maketh his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46. For if ye love them which love you ,what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans the same?
47.And if ye salute your brethren only, what ye more then others? do not even the publicans so?
48. Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in Heaven is perfect.
Grace
All this time I thought I was the victim
But that is not the case
You see every time
I try to be kind,
The Savior takes my place.
He knows I turn the other cheek
And forget to throw dirt in the other's face
His words are strong yet patient
As I listen I gain understanding of his grace
And if I was the other ,what would be my fate.
You see,sometimes He doesn't protect us ,
If we are getting in his way.
So, He allows things to happen,
But He loves Us
And still shows us a Way.
So, I try not to cry when I'm hurting
Because I know the Savior will show his face.
Shayla Knowledge! Power Up!
One thing about not seeing your full potential and others being too hard on you , is that the other person is almost always wrong! How true that is!
That's why it is important to be around people who see you for your full potential, yet are realistic, and help you grow. Everyone is beautiful in at least one way, in Mind, Spirit , and Body. Who are we to cast judgement? We are not aware of all the missions of that person that God has given that individual and the promises they have made to our Heavenly Father in this life and in the Spirit World before we came into this life. We can only bring a portion of our talents from the preexistence, so it is useless for us to judge something that only our Heavenly Father can fully understand.
It is important to surround yourself with truth, otherwise we give into what others might say to bring us down from exhaustion of fighting it, becoming apathetic, or being tempted to rebel. It is so much easier when people are honest and open and speak directly to the person or person in charge of the group. Isn't that the way That Heavenly Father urges us to be with him and in this kingdom? Most of the time there are ways of doing it without hurting any tender feelings, even if that takes hurting someone else's pride at times. We are told that if we correct someone, to show an outpouring of love for them afterward, so they know that we are doing it out of love.
I leave this book with those words of advice and a poem expressing my feelings I had for a loved one that shows of a sweetness I wish My children and loved ones to see in their lives.
You
Still can't sleep.
Never the less,
Dreaming of You,
Well ,you are on the way.
The radio still blaring.
The noise wakes me.
In the middle of the night.
Wish it were you.
All the stars on my ceiling,
And the soap suds in the tub
Turned to hearts,
They were gifts from God,
And a sign there was You.
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