For You He Has Saved
11/2014
The Question That Reaches Every Woman as Early as The Age That She Reaches The Knowledge of What a Family is...
How Will My Children Be?
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Introduction
My Thoughts.....
How Will My Children Be?
I lie awake and wonder, what is it to know that a child is a part of you?
When they come home from the hospital fresh and clean?
Or later from the Prom ,drunk and rude?
How do you know that you have done a good job?
It's strange that I still feel like one of them, yet I'm old enough to have my own.
Little feet later can step on or follow after yours.
You cannot always tell a good parent from a good child.
Some were born for trouble, others never saw beyond an A.
The World is full of unprepared feeling people who wonder......
"How will my Children Be?"
This Book I Dedicate to those Children.
My Testimony of Christ
How Will My Children Be?
I lie awake and wonder, what is it to know that a child is a part of you?
When they come home from the hospital fresh and clean?
Or later from the Prom ,drunk and rude?
How do you know that you have done a good job?
It's strange that I still feel like one of them, yet I'm old enough to have my own.
Little feet later can step on or follow after yours.
You cannot always tell a good parent from a good child.
Some were born for trouble, others never saw beyond an A.
The World is full of unprepared feeling people who wonder......
"How will my Children Be?"
This Book I Dedicate to those Children.
My Testimony of Christ
My Testimony of my Savior is one I have spent nights pleading with Heavenly Father to answer while I endured the demons of life. It wasn't just a terrible discomfort really ,but a disgust at how pathetic I had become. I knew that I could be great. I knew Christ loved me, but it seemed no one believed me. Other people seemed to have the same problem. No one cared. For example-If my plate were empty people looked the other way,unless I was actually looking better ,than they would take me to the Hospital, especially If I started to fight them. I was the crazy one , but no one was allowed to say the word, "crazy".
I had a Doctor when I was in an Eating Disorder Clinic in California that Changed everything that I was about. He actually, very comfortably called me ,"Crazy". I was so offended! I didn't want to see him again! He taught me though that when I have seen things from outside myself ,from a different perspective, I have been seeing things spiritually. That is when my Savior taught me how to forgive those who have contributed to my pain and to view things from their point of view emotionally. I opened my heart to the Savior. I made promises with God that I would go though pain to show my love for him. I had to forget myself and everything I believed I was and just remember what the Spirit taught me in my youth and what I found true in blessings that were given to me. This challenged my faith and took most of my energy and effort it seemed. The Savior healed me though. I am learning to take other things on and I believe that I have worked out my issues with my childhood. Through facing my Biggest fears with My Savior I have gained the trust of my Heavenly Father and my Savior. The World might say that I gave up everything, for those who knew me before. That is not so! I am not defeated! The Lord has excepted Me and I still have my birthright.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Chapters 1-4
The First four Chapters are the first years of my life and ,for the safety of my Loved Ones and Myself, I only want to share those Chapters with Family and close Friends. My younger years were full of trials and struggles that made me reach out to Heavenly Father for comfort and guidance. Luckily, I was given great examples in and out of my home growing up. I tried the best that I could, as those around me also tried to do. It's all a matter of intention that gives us Glory or Drains Us.
The Truth is Beautiful- Chapter 5
The Truth is Beautiful- Chapter 5
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was 21. I have slowly had to move step by step out of that time of my life. Now, almost 12 years later I am finally tasting some of that freedom that comes with health. Much of that time was spent waiting ,and enduring ,while I waited for my Medication to start to Work and for it to start to heal me. I also had to try out different medications to see what worked best on me.
Inside of Me
I've sat inside myself for years ,but don't look down on me. I did it for necessity. When fear ,pain ,and distain ,plagued my mind I could only focus on the feelings- the words that beat within my heart, coursing through my veins and making me alive. I didn't want to change , but the pain was too great to stay the same. I have risen from the ashes speaking a new tongue ,one that can hold someone's hand and laugh at insecurities. Tender now the wound that was eating me up inside has melted and changed my Winter like snow into Spring.
A Voice
Truer words were never uttered.
I love you.
To shock at first.
But then to grow strong.
Although, these hands are shaking,
They can move Mountains.
To stir the hearts to change for God.
Like kept in a cellar like fine wine.
Now there worth has doubled.
I looked in shame at what I was ,
And now in joy at what I was possible to become.
And I heard a voice tell me,
"You always were ,now you can be,"
Death doesn't have to be my Destiny.
Music Taught Me How to Listen to Peace
One of the greatest discoveries about going through life is that I have learned to be silent, and I mean to have peace. I remember as a child thinking that I was always in thought and couldn't be. I tried ,but I was always thinking and distracted. Listening to mostly good music, listening to The Spirit ,and saying prayers has taught me how important peace is and how to be reverent within myself. Even though I have not chosen to sing as a career ,in my past, one of my voice teachers told me that I had a strong enough voice for long ago, and it will always play an active role in my life. You hear stories of prodigies hearing music playing in their heads and they quickly write it down and construct masterpieces. Sometimes, I hear classical music and choirs singing at times in my mind ,like a dream ,but I am awake. I cannot read music ,so naturally I can't write anything, but the lyrics to music, but even if I am not as one of the great classical composers it serves it's purpose. I know that God expects great things out of me.
Music is something that I found to be an important key that I have been able use in controlling my Mental illness. I have been able to soften the blow of my attacks of voices and hallucinations by listening to music. I also found it easier to go places that I found uncomfortable by listening to music on some kind of device. In the past I felt close to God by being my own sort of DeeJay and expressing myself by changing my different CDs as a form of prayer.
God Heard those Prayers
Because You saw in me a Pearl in a grain of Sand...
White as Wool,
Translucent as snow,
Soft as feathers,
Clear as Crystal,
Are the words that pry open my shell.
Remove the annoyance of sand that has become a treasure.
Precious and of Worth.
But who else should I offer it?
I have not placed it.
I am not wholly it's maker.
Without your patience
I would be cast aside.
I offer you my talent-
A Pearl of Great Price,
Because you saw a pearl, in a grain of sand
In something as ordinary like Me.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was 21. I have slowly had to move step by step out of that time of my life. Now, almost 12 years later I am finally tasting some of that freedom that comes with health. Much of that time was spent waiting ,and enduring ,while I waited for my Medication to start to Work and for it to start to heal me. I also had to try out different medications to see what worked best on me.
Inside of Me
I've sat inside myself for years ,but don't look down on me. I did it for necessity. When fear ,pain ,and distain ,plagued my mind I could only focus on the feelings- the words that beat within my heart, coursing through my veins and making me alive. I didn't want to change , but the pain was too great to stay the same. I have risen from the ashes speaking a new tongue ,one that can hold someone's hand and laugh at insecurities. Tender now the wound that was eating me up inside has melted and changed my Winter like snow into Spring.
A Voice
Truer words were never uttered.
I love you.
To shock at first.
But then to grow strong.
Although, these hands are shaking,
They can move Mountains.
To stir the hearts to change for God.
Like kept in a cellar like fine wine.
Now there worth has doubled.
I looked in shame at what I was ,
And now in joy at what I was possible to become.
And I heard a voice tell me,
"You always were ,now you can be,"
Death doesn't have to be my Destiny.
Music Taught Me How to Listen to Peace
One of the greatest discoveries about going through life is that I have learned to be silent, and I mean to have peace. I remember as a child thinking that I was always in thought and couldn't be. I tried ,but I was always thinking and distracted. Listening to mostly good music, listening to The Spirit ,and saying prayers has taught me how important peace is and how to be reverent within myself. Even though I have not chosen to sing as a career ,in my past, one of my voice teachers told me that I had a strong enough voice for long ago, and it will always play an active role in my life. You hear stories of prodigies hearing music playing in their heads and they quickly write it down and construct masterpieces. Sometimes, I hear classical music and choirs singing at times in my mind ,like a dream ,but I am awake. I cannot read music ,so naturally I can't write anything, but the lyrics to music, but even if I am not as one of the great classical composers it serves it's purpose. I know that God expects great things out of me.
Music is something that I found to be an important key that I have been able use in controlling my Mental illness. I have been able to soften the blow of my attacks of voices and hallucinations by listening to music. I also found it easier to go places that I found uncomfortable by listening to music on some kind of device. In the past I felt close to God by being my own sort of DeeJay and expressing myself by changing my different CDs as a form of prayer.
God Heard those Prayers
Because You saw in me a Pearl in a grain of Sand...
White as Wool,
Translucent as snow,
Soft as feathers,
Clear as Crystal,
Are the words that pry open my shell.
Remove the annoyance of sand that has become a treasure.
Precious and of Worth.
But who else should I offer it?
I have not placed it.
I am not wholly it's maker.
Without your patience
I would be cast aside.
I offer you my talent-
A Pearl of Great Price,
Because you saw a pearl, in a grain of sand
In something as ordinary like Me.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Finding Christ - Chapter 6
Finding Christ - Chapter 6
People act as if Christ is not attractive, but I have made sure to tell Christ in my life that He is beautiful to me. Even the most beautiful among men and I feel in return god has taught me how to dress and take care of myself for the stages of my adult life ,to attract the right type of Men to me and to protect myself at the same time. To attract creative men that would appreciate me for my creativity and mind. To see that my looks are something that have brought joy and pain, so during times I had to sacrifice my appearance they saw beyond it.
Christ is Beautiful
Typing my eyes out
Switch to the left
Right, Left, Right, Left
Somehow I knew
The combination.
God couldn't stand Me.
But He opened the gate and let me in.
I was twice broken,
Slipped and almost fell at the Gate.
He grinned and then lifted
Me with His hand.
You hurt Me He said.
And we started to cry.
I took my place.
He led Me among
The leaders, friends still.
A soft glow in my memory.
"I followed that feeling.
I did what I could.
My talents are humble.
I hope I did good."
"My Picasso ,my Marilyn,
my Audrey ,my Nephi
and Mary- You said
I was beautiful
When men said I was no good.
You said you'd suffer,
And You stayed looking good.
I'd say you did Well!"
Does Perfection grow with Love?
Sometimes I wonder , how much is it possible to love someone? Is there an end to it? They talk about having a "perfect love" ,but perfection is thought to have an ending to it and love to expand. What if perfection were to grow like love is thought to ,barring fruit, expanding , and having to be maintained and worked on as the being goes, always developing and maturing? There are limits though to what a being can handle. Maybe, having a "perfect love" means to love as much as your spirit and body can take. (That's why we have children to build something out of love, like a family as a reward. If we just put our attention into one person for a long time it may be good at first ,but the relationship can be more full with friends ,children, and other Family.)
So...... Yes ,the greatest sacrifice for love is to die for someone, just as Christ did ,the greatest of all, a perfect lamb, when He bled from every pore and later hung from the cross, because He loves us. God is Working out our salvation. Now because of Christ's atonement for us, He understands all and is infinite. He is as His Heavenly Father and knows our struggles. As we grow so do our relationships with Him and His mercy from our sins and trials therefore making a fuller ,richer being ,but the thing is ,is that it was always there in the plan of salvation, it was always with him. He was made to be our Savior and King. Somethings I think God can only understand, like is there a limit to love or perfection? We can only wonder and and imagine we can gaze at it's beauty at this time.
Not That we loved God ,but That He Loved Us ,So we could Love His Son.
1John 4:2-7
2. Hereby know ye the Spirit of God :every Spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the Flesh is of God:
3. Ands every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of the antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come ;and even now already is it in the World.
4. Ye are of God ,little children ,and have overcome them : because greater is he that is in you , than he that is in the World.
5. They are of the World :therefore speak they of the World, and the World heareth them.
6. We are of God :He that knoweth God heareth us; he that is not of God heareth not us. Hereby know we the spirit of truth, and the spirit of error.
7. Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.
We cannot be perfect in this life, but the spirit of Christ is. At times the Holy Ghost touches others through us that makes us have a perfect love at the moment. These are the times to be aware of , for these feelings of the Spirit are the guidelines for what the emotions and sense of who we should be all the time without the spirit in us in the Spirit World and beyond I believe.
This is Something I have ,learned of Charity.....
I told You! I'm Christian!
Guilt and shame overcame her because she remembered that the lord doesn't look at sin with a grain of
allowance, but she felt loving energy in the room and within her. You may look at yourself and say
that she may be inferior ,but look at her circumstances. Sometimes the Lord allows things to happen so
we may learn. In life we make mistakes. It's where your intentions and your level of work for good
that the Lord sees get Mercy. If we learn from our mistakes and live a life of repentance, I feel , we are
doing better than most as we love God and those people we are in contact with. With a warm heart I
tell you that God is aware of you. He is aware and working on your salvation as He does with each of
us, if we want it. So ,before you give up with guilt and go to extremes in life ,remember that, judging
on your heart and circumstances, the Lord may not be ashamed of you ,but He may meet you with a
warm hug ,where others would cower in shame, because the Lords knows our intentions ,thoughts, and
secrets. He would know anyway, but we would have already told him.
People act as if Christ is not attractive, but I have made sure to tell Christ in my life that He is beautiful to me. Even the most beautiful among men and I feel in return god has taught me how to dress and take care of myself for the stages of my adult life ,to attract the right type of Men to me and to protect myself at the same time. To attract creative men that would appreciate me for my creativity and mind. To see that my looks are something that have brought joy and pain, so during times I had to sacrifice my appearance they saw beyond it.
Christ is Beautiful
Typing my eyes out
Switch to the left
Right, Left, Right, Left
Somehow I knew
The combination.
God couldn't stand Me.
But He opened the gate and let me in.
I was twice broken,
Slipped and almost fell at the Gate.
He grinned and then lifted
Me with His hand.
You hurt Me He said.
And we started to cry.
I took my place.
He led Me among
The leaders, friends still.
A soft glow in my memory.
"I followed that feeling.
I did what I could.
My talents are humble.
I hope I did good."
"My Picasso ,my Marilyn,
my Audrey ,my Nephi
and Mary- You said
I was beautiful
When men said I was no good.
You said you'd suffer,
And You stayed looking good.
I'd say you did Well!"
Does Perfection grow with Love?
Sometimes I wonder , how much is it possible to love someone? Is there an end to it? They talk about having a "perfect love" ,but perfection is thought to have an ending to it and love to expand. What if perfection were to grow like love is thought to ,barring fruit, expanding , and having to be maintained and worked on as the being goes, always developing and maturing? There are limits though to what a being can handle. Maybe, having a "perfect love" means to love as much as your spirit and body can take. (That's why we have children to build something out of love, like a family as a reward. If we just put our attention into one person for a long time it may be good at first ,but the relationship can be more full with friends ,children, and other Family.)
So...... Yes ,the greatest sacrifice for love is to die for someone, just as Christ did ,the greatest of all, a perfect lamb, when He bled from every pore and later hung from the cross, because He loves us. God is Working out our salvation. Now because of Christ's atonement for us, He understands all and is infinite. He is as His Heavenly Father and knows our struggles. As we grow so do our relationships with Him and His mercy from our sins and trials therefore making a fuller ,richer being ,but the thing is ,is that it was always there in the plan of salvation, it was always with him. He was made to be our Savior and King. Somethings I think God can only understand, like is there a limit to love or perfection? We can only wonder and and imagine we can gaze at it's beauty at this time.
Not That we loved God ,but That He Loved Us ,So we could Love His Son.
1John 4:2-7
2. Hereby know ye the Spirit of God :every Spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the Flesh is of God:
3. Ands every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of the antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come ;and even now already is it in the World.
4. Ye are of God ,little children ,and have overcome them : because greater is he that is in you , than he that is in the World.
5. They are of the World :therefore speak they of the World, and the World heareth them.
6. We are of God :He that knoweth God heareth us; he that is not of God heareth not us. Hereby know we the spirit of truth, and the spirit of error.
7. Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.
We cannot be perfect in this life, but the spirit of Christ is. At times the Holy Ghost touches others through us that makes us have a perfect love at the moment. These are the times to be aware of , for these feelings of the Spirit are the guidelines for what the emotions and sense of who we should be all the time without the spirit in us in the Spirit World and beyond I believe.
This is Something I have ,learned of Charity.....
I told You! I'm Christian!
Guilt and shame overcame her because she remembered that the lord doesn't look at sin with a grain of
allowance, but she felt loving energy in the room and within her. You may look at yourself and say
that she may be inferior ,but look at her circumstances. Sometimes the Lord allows things to happen so
we may learn. In life we make mistakes. It's where your intentions and your level of work for good
that the Lord sees get Mercy. If we learn from our mistakes and live a life of repentance, I feel , we are
doing better than most as we love God and those people we are in contact with. With a warm heart I
tell you that God is aware of you. He is aware and working on your salvation as He does with each of
us, if we want it. So ,before you give up with guilt and go to extremes in life ,remember that, judging
on your heart and circumstances, the Lord may not be ashamed of you ,but He may meet you with a
warm hug ,where others would cower in shame, because the Lords knows our intentions ,thoughts, and
secrets. He would know anyway, but we would have already told him.
Facing My Enemy-Chapter 7
Facing my Enemy- Chapter 7
My life has had it's dark times. My times of addiction and sickness have left Me untrusting of myself and most things. Most of the times when I trust I ,"Let things go." Turning the other cheek. There was a time ,though , I had to learn to have faith that I wasn't going to be totally destroyed and that God would have my Back as long as I tried my best.
One of my Doctors asked me to Write a Letter to My Eating Disorder because at times Patients do feel it is very much alive ,like a monster they are living with. Some people see it as a friend ,others an enemy. This is what I came up with....
Dear E.D.-
Once again I want to look in the mirror without seeing something inhuman. You made me a slave ,wasting my talents and emotions on your craft. Trust is what you have robbed me of. Once again I want to look in the mirror without seeing something inhuman. To have power to control my senses. Once again to intuitively be once more. Never mind the passing discomfort of today, because the greatest gift I have is my health. I have become limited and dependent. I will let you go now. I think that I can. Let go of your clenching grasp around my neck, because today I found that I was the one who held them there.
Sincerely,
Shayla
So, who really is my Eating Disorder? Well,one night God allowed me to see Him. I had a vision of what the Spirit ,"Death ", looks like. I'm not quite sure if He was actually the Spirit , "Death" , or just the representation of what he would look like if he were an actual being. His face was like looking into dark space and he had shiny black eyes. He was like a snake and never to be trusted.
(Here are my words I wrote to remember and heal from the experience.) I am not your friend Death. Even if I must Die Your Enemy.
Wasn't my idea to meet you Mr. Death.
You Black Hole.
Your pure black snake eyes.
The hollow energy,
Honestly, the best way to describe you is rape!
Leaving nothing there ,but a broken heart.
You burn my eyes.
You trample ,all good under you feet.
All ,every son or daughter that God has given to this Earth.
I must say I want to pity you, but then I think of those eyes,
And wonder why you would bother Me tonight?
If you wanted this letter, here you go.
If you wanted to see me naked ,you got it.
Maybe it isn't smart to fight with death,
But I am not your friend ,Death.
Even if I must die your Enemy.
Fortunately, I have never been one to drink alcohol, like ever, and I am so glad also because downers don't make me more intelligent and uppers as, "innocent", as caffeine make me manic to the point that I hurt. (I know because of the medication the Doctors have given to me.) My Dad has praised me on my quick mind , although school was always hard for me. My mind is a strange thing . One thing I hate at times , and at other times, give God the credit for, because I am so taken by how my actions and writing end up.
Honesty (What I got from every Emo Song I heard in the 00's.)
My mind is what is the matter
And although I see it all the time
The mistakes are marked in red.
And these little yellow pills are
What slows me down
But if you knew that pain of that fire ,
Of that unquenchable flame
That threatens and precedes me
I can never get along.
You can see why I
Never quite fit in with you
And never was able to let go.
And had to walk home alone
Looking the other way
As you raced on.
And that's all it took for your domination.
So, I'll pick another straw and
What did you end up with?
I had a pair, but someone stole the other half.
Now I'm stuck with only one drink
And only one way out.
I'll leave before the last drop drops to the floor.
I think I got the better Half.
People are often afraid of people with mental illness because they seem so different and can speak of religious miracles, like Seeing visions and hearing voices. Not everyone who has a vision ,or who has a hallucination, has a mental illness. So ,those who have should be more understanding to those who are mentally ill. I have Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features and I believe that I have had Both, visions and hallucinations at different times in my life. Sometimes ,it takes time and rest to see where and what a vision (or hallucination) is coming from and what/or if it has a message. Remember, the message was given to you , so you are the best judge on it's meaning, although sometimes it can be comforting to ask a Bishop or Religious Leader.
My life has had it's dark times. My times of addiction and sickness have left Me untrusting of myself and most things. Most of the times when I trust I ,"Let things go." Turning the other cheek. There was a time ,though , I had to learn to have faith that I wasn't going to be totally destroyed and that God would have my Back as long as I tried my best.
One of my Doctors asked me to Write a Letter to My Eating Disorder because at times Patients do feel it is very much alive ,like a monster they are living with. Some people see it as a friend ,others an enemy. This is what I came up with....
Dear E.D.-
Once again I want to look in the mirror without seeing something inhuman. You made me a slave ,wasting my talents and emotions on your craft. Trust is what you have robbed me of. Once again I want to look in the mirror without seeing something inhuman. To have power to control my senses. Once again to intuitively be once more. Never mind the passing discomfort of today, because the greatest gift I have is my health. I have become limited and dependent. I will let you go now. I think that I can. Let go of your clenching grasp around my neck, because today I found that I was the one who held them there.
Sincerely,
Shayla
So, who really is my Eating Disorder? Well,one night God allowed me to see Him. I had a vision of what the Spirit ,"Death ", looks like. I'm not quite sure if He was actually the Spirit , "Death" , or just the representation of what he would look like if he were an actual being. His face was like looking into dark space and he had shiny black eyes. He was like a snake and never to be trusted.
The attitude and stare I see in this picture remind me of what I saw.
I captured Death pretty well in this picture.
(Here are my words I wrote to remember and heal from the experience.) I am not your friend Death. Even if I must Die Your Enemy.
Wasn't my idea to meet you Mr. Death.
You Black Hole.
Your pure black snake eyes.
The hollow energy,
Honestly, the best way to describe you is rape!
Leaving nothing there ,but a broken heart.
You burn my eyes.
You trample ,all good under you feet.
All ,every son or daughter that God has given to this Earth.
I must say I want to pity you, but then I think of those eyes,
And wonder why you would bother Me tonight?
If you wanted this letter, here you go.
If you wanted to see me naked ,you got it.
Maybe it isn't smart to fight with death,
But I am not your friend ,Death.
Even if I must die your Enemy.
Fortunately, I have never been one to drink alcohol, like ever, and I am so glad also because downers don't make me more intelligent and uppers as, "innocent", as caffeine make me manic to the point that I hurt. (I know because of the medication the Doctors have given to me.) My Dad has praised me on my quick mind , although school was always hard for me. My mind is a strange thing . One thing I hate at times , and at other times, give God the credit for, because I am so taken by how my actions and writing end up.
Honesty (What I got from every Emo Song I heard in the 00's.)
My mind is what is the matter
And although I see it all the time
The mistakes are marked in red.
And these little yellow pills are
What slows me down
But if you knew that pain of that fire ,
Of that unquenchable flame
That threatens and precedes me
I can never get along.
You can see why I
Never quite fit in with you
And never was able to let go.
And had to walk home alone
Looking the other way
As you raced on.
And that's all it took for your domination.
So, I'll pick another straw and
What did you end up with?
I had a pair, but someone stole the other half.
Now I'm stuck with only one drink
And only one way out.
I'll leave before the last drop drops to the floor.
I think I got the better Half.
People are often afraid of people with mental illness because they seem so different and can speak of religious miracles, like Seeing visions and hearing voices. Not everyone who has a vision ,or who has a hallucination, has a mental illness. So ,those who have should be more understanding to those who are mentally ill. I have Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features and I believe that I have had Both, visions and hallucinations at different times in my life. Sometimes ,it takes time and rest to see where and what a vision (or hallucination) is coming from and what/or if it has a message. Remember, the message was given to you , so you are the best judge on it's meaning, although sometimes it can be comforting to ask a Bishop or Religious Leader.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Finding Hope and Relationships- Chapter 8
Finding Hope and Relationships-Chapter 8
Price far Beyond Rubies
Thinking back to my Days in the Psych Units , for days or weeks at a time, Following emotional collapse from when I was 19-23 years old, I found some of the most gifted, talented ,interesting ,generous, funny, people in my life! Given , some of these people were a little scary, I learned to look past that or just to know to give them space. There with those people ,it is easy to grow bonds that you remember your whole life because many times these people as well as yourself are being so brave and starting to rebuild broken lives. We were all choosing to live, to start over ,when death was so close for many of us, because of how we were living before we went to the Hospital. I felt privileged to meet them mostly. I always seemed to find a boyfriend in there, funny , but don't worry the rules were tight! I appreciate those blessings. I am so happy though, that I can share a life with others free of the Hospital. I believe that I can be a better help to others this way.
I carry a special memory of these things in my heart with these people I've crossed lives with, but could not spend my life with. Heavenly Father knows of their worth and I have been given a gift to understand that and them! I wouldn't trade that for anything! Everything I had I gave for this, yet everything I have ,I have been blessed with was because of this! No one can take that from me or take back the lives I've influenced and learned from. I have learned about how to have compassion from others that suffer from going to group therapy and church and I have learned that others go through problems also. I was actually surprised that some people have to go through even worse situations. Being able to look at things now with a clear head and see things for how they are , with help after therapy, is a priceless gift and one of my greatest gifts I believe.
I believe sharing my life with Men ,especially those who were stable, was always dependent on how much of the eating Disorder I was willing to sacrifice for health. Leaving that part of my life behind started when I started preparing myself for the temple. The powerful blessings I received from going to the temple is a testimony to myself that it is a "Place of Healing". When I walked into the Los Angeles Temple to get my endowments I was anorexic and abused laxatives. The Lord excepted me in that state and brought men in my life who were compassionate considering the situation and lack of experience in healing from Eating Disorders. Things were really difficult in most aspects, honestly. The Most important thing is that we were in love and that we could be honest. We wanted to make better people of ourselves ,I was actually making progress, and love was still there.
(Here is a poem a wrote that is actually more of a script. In this situation there might be a Boy with a Friend who is Anorexic and The Boy is trying to help things.)
Depression and Cookies
I'm somehow divided between nothing or dying.
Somehow God is going to save me and this is a better day.
Feeling like it's over tomorrow.
So ,let's eat the whole box of cookies.
Tell me you are God and it will make things better.
I'll play along and we'll map out what we'll discover.
Secrets!
"You Too!........And ,I am !"
That seems better...........
You're my best advocate and You know that I'm trying .
To prove I'm ready for something
To give me more than ,"I'm trying!"
So I sit in a messy room and wonder,
How I can make things better,
And I know it's not by You ,
But by some unearthly power.
You know?
It hurts to create something you want to look at thats better
Then the place that you are .
Asking , "How about ,tomorrow?"
"So let's eat the whole box of cookies!"
There , there ,don't cry. They are only a few cookies something greater than the calories in those cookies has substance in you ,like Life.
Price far Beyond Rubies
Thinking back to my Days in the Psych Units , for days or weeks at a time, Following emotional collapse from when I was 19-23 years old, I found some of the most gifted, talented ,interesting ,generous, funny, people in my life! Given , some of these people were a little scary, I learned to look past that or just to know to give them space. There with those people ,it is easy to grow bonds that you remember your whole life because many times these people as well as yourself are being so brave and starting to rebuild broken lives. We were all choosing to live, to start over ,when death was so close for many of us, because of how we were living before we went to the Hospital. I felt privileged to meet them mostly. I always seemed to find a boyfriend in there, funny , but don't worry the rules were tight! I appreciate those blessings. I am so happy though, that I can share a life with others free of the Hospital. I believe that I can be a better help to others this way.
I carry a special memory of these things in my heart with these people I've crossed lives with, but could not spend my life with. Heavenly Father knows of their worth and I have been given a gift to understand that and them! I wouldn't trade that for anything! Everything I had I gave for this, yet everything I have ,I have been blessed with was because of this! No one can take that from me or take back the lives I've influenced and learned from. I have learned about how to have compassion from others that suffer from going to group therapy and church and I have learned that others go through problems also. I was actually surprised that some people have to go through even worse situations. Being able to look at things now with a clear head and see things for how they are , with help after therapy, is a priceless gift and one of my greatest gifts I believe.
I believe sharing my life with Men ,especially those who were stable, was always dependent on how much of the eating Disorder I was willing to sacrifice for health. Leaving that part of my life behind started when I started preparing myself for the temple. The powerful blessings I received from going to the temple is a testimony to myself that it is a "Place of Healing". When I walked into the Los Angeles Temple to get my endowments I was anorexic and abused laxatives. The Lord excepted me in that state and brought men in my life who were compassionate considering the situation and lack of experience in healing from Eating Disorders. Things were really difficult in most aspects, honestly. The Most important thing is that we were in love and that we could be honest. We wanted to make better people of ourselves ,I was actually making progress, and love was still there.
(Here is a poem a wrote that is actually more of a script. In this situation there might be a Boy with a Friend who is Anorexic and The Boy is trying to help things.)
Depression and Cookies
I'm somehow divided between nothing or dying.
Somehow God is going to save me and this is a better day.
Feeling like it's over tomorrow.
So ,let's eat the whole box of cookies.
Tell me you are God and it will make things better.
I'll play along and we'll map out what we'll discover.
Secrets!
"You Too!........And ,I am !"
That seems better...........
You're my best advocate and You know that I'm trying .
To prove I'm ready for something
To give me more than ,"I'm trying!"
So I sit in a messy room and wonder,
How I can make things better,
And I know it's not by You ,
But by some unearthly power.
You know?
It hurts to create something you want to look at thats better
Then the place that you are .
Asking , "How about ,tomorrow?"
"So let's eat the whole box of cookies!"
There , there ,don't cry. They are only a few cookies something greater than the calories in those cookies has substance in you ,like Life.
Sometimes we must take life with a bit of Grace. Being a Son or Daughter of God means that we are tried and hated by others at times. When we are serving God we know the reason why though ,because God has favored us and Someone is using hate and frustration to get in your way to save their own fears of what they fear, don't understand, and many times wish that they had. They want to prove it to themselves that this " different thing or person " is weaker than what they are used to seeing everyday. There is nothing greater than God! The side in which you are on should make itself clear pretty quickly, unless you are suffering from an addiction. Everyone knows addictions ruin lives. We are to love the sinner and to hate the sin. Even when it's in yourself or in a family member.
(Here is a poem about loving one who is in pain ,even in an addiction , and another being kind no matter what the "World" thinks of them. )
Take Heaven Onward
Virtuous One.
Though heart soft,
You steadied yourself,
Won the battle today,
Listened longingly.
My anger is upon those,
Who mock you in my Face.
You promised to be hated ,
But I can't stand the hate.
Things will get so much better ,
And you will have the same.
With all that is held back and hidden,
I begin to shake.
For you my Dear Sweet Brother ,
For you are who He Saved
As we take Heaven Onward ,
They divert their Gaze!
Matthew5: 43-48
43. Ye have heard that it hath been said ,Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.
44. But I say unto you ,Love your enemies ,bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you , and pray for them which despitefully use you ,and persecute you;
45.That ye may be the children of your Father Which is in Heaven: for He maketh his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46. For if ye love them which love you ,what reward have ye? Do not even the publicans the same?
47.And if ye salute your brethren only, what ye more then others? do not even the publicans so?
48. Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in Heaven is perfect.
Grace
All this time I thought I was the victim
But that is not the case
You see every time
I try to be kind,
The Savior takes my place.
He knows I turn the other cheek
And forget to throw dirt in the other's face
His words are strong yet patient
As I listen I gain understanding of his grace
And if I was the other ,what would be my fate.
You see,sometimes He doesn't protect us ,
If we are getting in his way.
So, He allows things to happen,
But He loves Us
And still shows us a Way.
So, I try not to cry when I'm hurting
Because I know the Savior will show his face.
Shayla Knowledge! Power Up!
One thing about not seeing your full potential and others being too hard on you , is that the other person is almost always wrong! How true that is!
That's why it is important to be around people who see you for your full potential, yet are realistic, and help you grow. Everyone is beautiful in at least one way, in Mind, Spirit , and Body. Who are we to cast judgement? We are not aware of all the missions of that person that God has given that individual and the promises they have made to our Heavenly Father in this life and in the Spirit World before we came into this life. We can only bring a portion of our talents from the preexistence, so it is useless for us to judge something that only our Heavenly Father can fully understand.
It is important to surround yourself with truth, otherwise we give into what others might say to bring us down from exhaustion of fighting it, becoming apathetic, or being tempted to rebel. It is so much easier when people are honest and open and speak directly to the person or person in charge of the group. Isn't that the way That Heavenly Father urges us to be with him and in this kingdom? Most of the time there are ways of doing it without hurting any tender feelings, even if that takes hurting someone else's pride at times. We are told that if we correct someone, to show an outpouring of love for them afterward, so they know that we are doing it out of love.
I leave this book with those words of advice and a poem expressing my feelings I had for a loved one that shows of a sweetness I wish My children and loved ones to see in their lives.
You
Still can't sleep.
Never the less,
Dreaming of You,
Well ,you are on the way.
The radio still blaring.
The noise wakes me.
In the middle of the night.
Wish it were you.
All the stars on my ceiling,
And the soap suds in the tub
Turned to hearts,
They were gifts from God,
And a sign there was You.
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